Yes, the Mary Kay “Warm Chat” Does Hurt People
This story was sent in by one of our readers. She was “warm chatted” by a Mary Kay consultant, and was very hurt when she figured out it was all a recruiting tactic…
I am a mom of a 10-month-old boy, he’s the light of my life. Since I had him I have joined in a few activities for new moms in my neighborhood but haven’t found a lot of other moms I “clicked” with. Most of my existing friends don’t have kids yet, and I would really like to meet some moms to hang out with and have playgroups with as my kiddo grows up.
I love my friends that don’t have kids and hang out with them when I can, but those with kids know that your life changes completely, priorities change and when you no longer have all day to get pedicures, lunch and go shopping it’s hard sometimes to keep up with what’s going on with your friends who do have that kind of time. I would really like to make friends with moms who have the same values I do about what to teach kids, and so far it’s been difficult to find that in my area, although I keep looking.
The other day I was at the doctor’s office, tapping on my phone when a very nice-looking woman, about my age, asked me a question about it. We got to talking and she seemed so nice. She said she had two kids, a 3-year-old and a little boy just about my son’s age! We talked about toys, schools, etc. and it seemed like her priorities were really in line with mine. I started to get excited about the possibility of meeting a new “mom friend” I could really relate to. We talked developmental milestones, challenges etc. for about 15 minutes and I was getting ready to give her my card and suggest getting together for a playdate.
(I’m sure some of you know where this is going…)
Then, out of the blue, she says “Wow, you have really nice skin. I would love to do a facial for you sometime. Have you heard of Mary Kay? Do you have a Mary Kay consultant?”
I was totally let down. I stammered out something about trying the products a few years ago and feeling like they didn’t work for my skin (which is the truth).
She keeps at it. “Oh, the product line is different now and I am sure we could find something you would just love! And I would love to talk to you about becoming a Mary Kay consultant, it allows me to have so much more time with my kids,” (always a hot button with me as I work out of the house four days a week and have a fair amount of guilt about it, but my job provides our health insurance) blah blah blah.
This is probably silly, but I was really disappointed. I had thought I was making a new friend and it turns out I was being “warm chatted.” All I was to her was a mark, not another mom who she might have something in common with. I then tried to cut off the conversation but she kept going until I got called back to see the doctor.
I let her give me a card and I almost considered calling her, figuring that well, maybe if I did do a facial we could talk more and get to be friends. Then a friend of mine who is an ex-Mary Kay consultant told me absolutely not to call her, pointed me towards this site so I could find out why, and I am glad she did. I read about how MK salespeople find new “prospects” and realized that all the woman in the doctor’s office was doing was trying to suck me into this whole racket. My ex-consultant friend said the woman I was talking to may not even have a kid my son’s age, but made that up to get farther into the conversation before trying to hook me.
The more I read about MK the more disgusted I get. I wanted to share this side of the story – MK doesn’t just hurt feelings when you’re a consultant, it hurts the feelings of the people consultants “warm chatter” who feel duped and dumped when we find out the compliment, friendly conversation, etc. was all part of the sales pitch. I would have had so much more respect for the woman if she had come out and said “I sell Mary Kay, are you interested?” Because then I could have just said no. As it was I got my hopes up and wasted time talking to someone who had no interest in me unless I was going to buy her products or sign up as a consultant.
Thanks to all of you on this board who are out there speaking the truth, I hope more people will listen to it.
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Comments (21)
Gherkin
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MK leaves so much collateral damage in it’s wake: friends, relatives, spouses, children, and total strangers that were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Who doesn’t MK adversely affect?
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Kinzie
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I’m so sorry that happened to you but thank you for offering this perspective. When my first daughter was born I had a bad case of post partum depression that left me lonely and, well, depressed, and I’m sure I would have been a prime target for “the opportunity”. Thankfully I was never taken advantage of like you were. If she wanted to be your friend, then be your friend, not just pretend in order to gain a segue into the bogus pampering-enriching-facial-opportunity spiel. Sad. ps. I would have loved to be your friend
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pinkfanbutnomkfan
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I’m sorry that this happened to you. I don’t have children yet and have lost contact with a few friends that now have kids. I understand that there is different priorities and it is hard to meet people and click with the right people. I always had a hard time clicking with other girls my age and when that Mary Kay gal came my way… I was thinking great a new way to meet people. As soon as I was unable to afford another wholesale order I was dropped just like that! Showed me who my friends really are
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exibc78
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Why don’t you call some of those parent friends to say hi and get together.
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Scrib
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I was the recipient of the same deceptive MK love, and I suspect many other women out there can claim the same.
My saga began when a director friend (and woman I worked in the church nursery with, no less) asked me to help her reach her goal of 30 faces in 30 days. I knew almost nothing of MK at the time and I specifically recall saying to my husband, “If she has a goal, then as her friend, I want to help her out.”
After the facial, my friend handed me a CD and suggested we get together in 48 hours. At this point, the thought hadn’t entered my mind that she might be trying to recruit me, because she’d only said that she wanted to go for coffee so she could get to know me better – I figured she wanted to build our friendship. (Sound familiar?)
I ended up discovering PT before meeting my friend (heh, I don’t believe in coincidences) and went to coffee thoroughly educated. Looking back at what I’d written about that meeting, I’m intrigued that the words carry as much relevance now as they did when I wrote them over five years ago:
“The moment [my director friend] said, “So, are there any questions you have about Mary Kay?” and fanned out a couple of the brochures, there was no doubt as to why I was there. I wasn’t there so she could “get to know me better” in a friendship sense; I was there so she could know me better, tailor her recruiting interview to that information, and thus attempt to get me to join Mary Kay.
I’m fully convinced that there’s nothing more unsettling than experiencing the feeling of being betrayed – and receiving that betrayal wrapped in a mile-wide smile.”
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advertisingchick
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Funny to see this post today because my local radio station just did a segment on how one of the DJ’s got scammed by a MK pitch. She was paying for her gas and the cashier started telling her how she had the best skin and what products does she use, yada, yada…which of course made the DJ feel really good about herself. Then she ends with “would you like to buy some of my MK products, I have a $600 goal I need to hit by next week?” The DJ was super let down.
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advertisingchick
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The link to listen is right here:
http://www.mojointhemorning.com/cc-common/podcast/single_page.html?more_page=1&podcast=MojointheMorningPodcast&selected_podcast=005023494_1361981460_5311.mp3
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flaming go
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Warm stalking is indeed deceitful and painful! I had a friend who became head-deep sucked into the pink quagmire in the latter years of our friendship. We would go out for lunch and shopping trips together, but she turned them into stalking occasions. Looking back, I was probably there to make it look like she wasn’t stalking prey but to make it seem like she just happened to be out shopping with friends and ‘bumped into’ her ‘sharp’ (or engaging, or sweet, or whatever false pretense she used) target. I remember once we were in this crafty store long after we concluded shopping. We were the only ones there for a long time. I picked up what I needed, paid, and waited. She didn’t really pick up anything real in her basket, but kept finding excuses to linger well after I paid for my items. Finally, some women entered the store. She made her way back to the same section the women entered into (a section of the store she should have had memorized by now) and mumbling a lie about, “oh, I overlooked blah blah blah!” and headed off. It was then that I had realized she was just waiting around the store for some MK prey to enter. Although I had previously seen her warm chat women on occasion (and put me in the awkward position of just standing there out of place). What made this last time so special was the fact that she had her 1 and a half year old kid with her. I was left watching her kid while she pimped MK to two women. The kid started crying (he didn’t want much to do with me), the check-out clerk had figured out my Kaybot friend’s ruse, and politely but sternly hinted to me that we needed to leave and I should mention to my friend to never solicit there again. I pushed the stroller over to Ms. Kaybot and said, “we should go now…” She gave me a dirty look, picked up the kid, and introduced her son to the strange women, saying how MK has given her the freedom to work while being a mom (she and her husband already had good jobs). I was completely dumbfounded. She gave them her card before we soon left. Only when she was pushing her card did I realize these people were only feigning interest but seemed quite annoyed and trying to be polite. And yet, she acted completely annoyed by me and we soon went home in a silent car ride.
Ruining friendships, ruining your relationship with local merchants, ruining someone else’s shopping day, just to try and find a prospect? Totally not ‘helping women!’
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Trinity1
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I am so sorry. I look back on the last 4 1/2 years and I am so ashamed and,embarrassed .
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imewise
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This article is a wake up call for me. I was the local “master” of warm chatting. I warm chatted multiple people daily, and some days i would go out purposefully to get 10 names. I took every consultant out with me to teach them the craft. Half of my business was weddings, the other half was warm chat. I have some deep thinking to do over the possible damage i had caused due to the “potential friendships” that i had turned into facials and interviews.
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NeverWasPink
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Awww.. hugs, Imewise. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Think of all the good things you’ve done for others in your life
Also, good news is, mind you it’s kind of a “distorted view of good” is that most of them probably didn’t give it a second thought later.. maybe even felt flattered and just carried on with their day!!
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AesSedai
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Never let the trolls say that we are just a bunch of angry women blaming other people. So often, just like this, I see women step up and say “I made a mistake. I wish I hadn’t hurt people…”
Think, consider, but don’t dwell. Take what you have learned and move forward! I love your contributions here – you are a great inspiration.
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Nichole
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I take my revenge by using warm chatter as a way to actually get to know people now. I look for that one thing that I can sincerely compliment someone on and go from there. The best part is that there is no pressure in the back of my mind that I need to get them booked for a facial. I just build on the interaction each time I see them and, what do you know, eventually I’ve got a new person on the way to being a strong acquaintance.
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Bethiepoo
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I had a similar experience over 20 years ago and it still stings a little and makes me feel used.
I was an 18 or 19 y/o working at my retail job in the mall. We were supposed to “greet every customer” which I did. An attractive woman who I greeted immediately started complimenting me and told me I was “so pretty” and would I “model for her”. I was flattered; at that time in my life, I had a very distorted view of my appearance. I was probably 15 pounds overweight and very self conscious. Hearing that gave me a much needed boost. Well, you know where this is going. When I found out she wanted me to “model” for MK, I knew it was a ruse. I mumbled some lame excuse and got back to work but I remember feeling that the compliment was so empty and manipulative.
I remember that scene so vividly…like it was yesterday. I feel that she actually harmed my self-esteem. Because it was already fragile, learning that a compliment wasn’t genuine was actually damaging.
I wholeheartedly agree with the notion that warm chatting, fake complimenting actually does hurt people.
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gotheart
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I cold booked for years not know how both of now adult sons hated me for doing it and were so embarrassed. Not once did they ask me not to.
They suppressed their anger. It has caused tremendous heartache.
Very painful for them.
They both have forgiven me because they saw me regret what I did ask, for forgiveness and changed my life as soon as I was told I was in a MLM.
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Scrib
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Here’s what master manipulator NSD Dacia Wiegandt had to say at an Ortega Area Fall Advance about complimenting potential customers/recruits:
“You’ve got to compliment guys. Sincerely. People know they’re not beautiful. Okay? No, I’m serious. I always say they’re sharp if they’re not beautiful.
Did you notice how fast I talked? You gotta talk fast, you gotta have a purpose, you gotta tell them you don’t need anything from them, but you gotta have practice, and the reason you’re calling them is why they’re sharp: they have beautiful skin, they have beautiful eyes, cute children, I don’t care; find one thing. Beautiful toes…when you do not care what people think about you is the moment you will move up in this business.”
“People know they’re not beautiful?” Really? O_O
As far as I’m concerned, NSD Wiegandt might look all shined up on the outside, but her heart’s something Mike Rowe and the Dirty Jobs crew wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.
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C.W.
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I will NEVER forget the time during my “career” with Primerica that I went to a party with all RVP’s and heard a small group of them, pissed drunk, mocking their team. I heard my senior upline laughing and saying “most of those a$$***** ain’t gonna do nothin’ anyway!” Nice. Classy. Makes me feel great when I see you, next week at the Opportunity Nite, slapping those same “a$$****s” on the back and singing their praises. FAKE. And hurtful, to those who rely on that “praise”..
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exibc78
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I completely understand what she is trying to say though….not agreeing but I get her point. Some people are truly not beautiful or even attractive. I have a male friend who knows he is simply not attractive on the outside…and his mother is stunning. He just did not hit the genetic lottery. So if someone who doesn’t know his awesome personality were to say he was handsome off the bat, he would ask for whatever drugs they are taking. The compliment is insincere. But he does get more attractive as you get to know him.
So if a woman knows that she is not attractive, to say she is beautiful or even sharp is so ridiculous. But she might have stunning eyes, so you say that…it will be more sincere and gain trust faster.
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Pink Jihad
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Many years ago I had my feelings hurt twice by being invited to “parties,” 1. for someone selling candles and 2. for someone selling makeup. I was initially excited to be included in an invitation but then disappointed when I realized the “parties” were sales pitches. Ugh!
Now I’m just annoyed frequently by “friends” on facebook constantly tagging me in posts, etc. about Pampered Chef, Partylite, etc.
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Marie
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So true. I’m so SICK of people hyping up these home sales gatherings as “parties” and “it’s just for FUN!”. No, actually, it’s not FUN to be interrupted when you’re chatting with the other guests because you have to now sit up straight and watch a sales pitch, while holding a catalogue. No more chatting, no more fun.
And on the subject of the manipulation of warm chatter: it reminds me of the several times in my youth I was manipulated by a guy practiced in the art of flattery. How wonderful it feels to be special in someone else’s eyes — it speaks to your soul. Then when it begins to dawn on you that you were really a “mark” to a manipulator whose goals are completely self serving, it IS a sick feeling. I would bet every woman who has been in a relationship with a charming Narcissist can identify with a lot of the hallmarks of MLM recruiting. They ALWAYS drop the act once theyve snagged their prey.
I was warm chatted in a department store by a stranger — and I was flattered, until just a minute into it, I realized I was being had.
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PinkPhoenix
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I paid a cashier at the grocery store a compliment the other day. I told her I liked her glasses – they were so unique and looked really good on her! I genuinely gave her a compliment and I meant it. I had no ulterior motive – I had no Satin Hands sample lotion to give her, no MK business card, no feeling of icy terror washing over me as I talked. I was able to give a compliment because I wanted to and I meant it. End of story!
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