As a family member of a disillusioned former director, who has spent ten years in the presence of all that nauseating pink optimism (“It’s only a flesh wound!”), I learned of this blog and relished the opportunity to repudiate some of the perfunctory platitudes that are given as explanations for why you’re a worthless, miserable failure. Let’s begin.
#1: You didn’t want it enough.
Yes, it’s all so simple! Environmental factors, infrastructure and resources be damned, the critical factor in achieving a goal is simply WANTING it to happen. If this were the case, then right now I’d be engaged to Scarlett Johansson and autographing copies of my first Pulitzer-winning novel. Gosh, I bet that we could have peace in the Middle East tomorrow if we just wanted it enough.
The reason this lie is so persuasive is because “wanting” is an abstract concept that can’t be quantified; if you can’t count it, then it must not be there, which means you should want it even more! If a four-star General told his troops that they could win the entire war if they just “wanted it enough,” rather than laying out a viable, comprehensive strategy for success, you can bet that General’s next assignment would be emptying wastebaskets at the pentagon. It’s okay to want things – This is what having goals is all about. However, your desire is the gas that fuels the engine – It is not the engine itself.
#2: You didn’t believe enough.
Out of all the lines of manipulative malarkey foisted upon you by avaricious directors, I think this one is my favorite. I’ve been told that Mary Kay’s business plan is allegedly based on God’s Holy Book, even though I’ve failed to find any passages along the lines of “Blessed art those who meet production” or “…and Mary summoned the village women for a skin care class.”
Suffice to say, questioning the Mary Kay business model is tantamount to defying a higher power, so not only are you a lousy consultant, you’re a heathenistic traitor to your faith, especially if you’re reading this satanic website. We don’t even have to go into the deeper theological implications of this, because it’s easy enough to see that this is pure emotional blackmail, and it’s also a crock of you-know-what. Unfortunately, the degree of someone’s piety can sometimes override their logic and sound judgment. As the late, great comedian Bill Hicks once said, beware of anyone who begins a sentence with “What God REALLY meant to say was…”
#3: You didn’t work hard enough.
Fine. But wait, was the work worth doing? Or was it a Sisyphean task, a muddy, exhausting battle to push a large boulder to the top of a steep, slippery hill only to watch it roll down the other side and start over again? Albert Einstein once defined insanity as “doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.” I wonder what he would have thought about budget-crushing monthly orders, backed-up inventory, friends who ignore his phone calls because they’re sick of being sales-pitched, and constantly being reminded how he’s the luckiest person in the world for having the privilege to do all this. Maybe that’s why he stuck with science.
#4: Your “deserve level” wasn’t high enough.
What the hell is a “deserve level?” What a disappointment it must be to fail to meet the arbitrary standards of some make-believe word. Come talk to me after you raise your “understandability level” a few more points, mmmkay?
#5: You let your emotions run your business.
If there’s any indication as to the degree of contempt that your superiors hold for you, it’s this one. Let’s extrapolate this logic, shall we? Machines, robots and computers have no emotions. They don’t earn money, either. They are used as tools to help other people make money. Do you see where I’m going with this? Basically, an ideal candidate should be an emotionally-null cash register who’s willing to make decisions, complete transactions and act without hesitation, as this will help ensure a fat monthly check for the person behind the register. You shouldn’t feel apprehension over undertaking risky financial investments, you shouldn’t feel remorse or compunction about lying to your husband about those additional credit card bills in the mailbox, and you shouldn’t feel frustrated or disappointed when people don’t want to pay 20 hard-earned bucks for a bar of soap.
Emotions are part of being a human being, and they’re part of our decision making process. This is basic psychology – If a decision makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should rigorously analyze the potential costs and benefits, factor in logic and reasoning, and make an informed decision that you’re comfortable with. In the time it took you to read that last sentence, you could have charged another $1800 worth of product to a high-interest credit card and made your director very happy. Aren’t you glad you stopped to think and use your emotions?
Tags: deserve level
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