Waiting to Be Validated in Mary Kay

Written by Raisinberry

There appears to be a common denominator, in my opinion, with women who suffer the most from their Mary Kay career. I am talking about those who fell for it hard.

I think I might be on to something regarding why the whole recruitment scam, and subsequent huge financial loses, occur. Just being a part of Mary Kay for many long years, and watching those who stay far too long sucked in by “the dream”, as well as those who come here to recover, there appears to be a female characteristic that is being exploited.

It isn’t recognition, significance, or needing cash so much as a tendency by women to accept less than the best regarding their own lives. It is a learned behavior, born out of sacrifice, expectation and servanthood, that traps women into this financially predatory scheme. It is a willingness to accept the crumbs from the table, the lower wage, the leftovers, rather than draw the boundaries of what is personally acceptable and what is not.

In other words, the typical woman exploited in MLM schemes like Mary Kay, is used to being happy just getting a positive morsel and will wait at the table rationalizing until she gets another.

That sounds harsh but please remember, I, myself stayed too long at the fair.

Women with an accurate self appraisal would never be manipulated into doing something, over and over again that was destructive to their own future. But women are notoriously “givers” and are quick to sacrifice themselves for the sake of another. In the hands of a predator, women can be duped easily into taking on personal risk, by having unclear boundaries as to who they really are, and what they really deserve, especially if they have been raised with a deficit of attention.

Pleasing someone else appeals to that servant’s heart, and a negative self appraisal is quieted by a pop of validation. For example, selling even one item can send a rush up the arm that provides that quick fix of adrenaline and comfort that this woman needs. Recognition in the form of an “atta girl” is also a morsel of acceptance that she might go after to feel good and get a “fix”.

If she is used to getting very little attention, she lives on the toss offs of others in her life, grateful for even the slightest nod. Most women I know will say they feel undervalued in their families and under appreciated, and have come to “live” on very little in terms of validation. A woman who is underappreciated, either by her husband, her family or who was raised in any variety of abusive homes becomes a candidate for these types of fuzzy boundaries, often times hurting herself just to find approval.

Fuzzy boundaries are exploited by motivational, manipulative, money grubbing schemes masquerading as profitable businesses, because they “sell” recognition and significance. They promote class envy by leaving the wannabees out of the grander appreciation events. They play to insecurities, and bait the deepest longings of women to be valued and needed and important to a team or community. And to the extent that this aspect of femaleness is wounded in you, you will accept morsels of attention while you patiently wait for a tangible, solid solution.

That month end call to just “stretch” and do another $200 because we are “so close to the goal” is targeted precisely at you because you always come through. It is important to you that you are seen as a valued member. You do it to your own detriment, because your need is great. You want to matter. If you understood deeply inside yourself that you “matter” already, this silly act of financial madness would have no power over you.

These pyramids count on this weakness in women. They put in motion, an insecurity building game and then exploit you with your response to it.

If you get nothing else from this article, get that. They set the stage to produce insecurity in you, hoping you will respond by racing ahead to achieve significance and quiet the growing doubt. If there is any weakness in your self appraisal you will fall victim to it.

That is why some women, who appear angry and strong come here and just can’t get that you would be so stupid to have lost thousands of dollars buying Mary Kay products for stupid ladders or stars. These women have a low “servant” quotient and high self esteem. (Perhaps not accurate, just high). Having an honest self appraisal and a desire to do right, helping others and at the same time recognizing that there are sensible limits to helping others, are key factors in our recovery. We can not let this happen again.

When a company creates exclusivity the way Mary Kay does, it goes way past the “perks” of upper management in Corporate America. The romancing of prizes, suits and uniforms, cars, stage walks, name badge ribbons, special seating, special eating areas closed off from the non achievers, all contribute to a culture that thinks that dangling carrots produce the best results while creating discontent in a large segment of consultants.

Since the method to reach higher heights involves dishonesty, the underachievers are always in a self deprecating mode, feeling inadequate and insecure. As insecurity and self doubt grow, the desire to achieve rises, placing that woman in the crosshairs of her own personal integrity. Cheered on by her Directors encouragement, she “makes a way”. What she doesn’t know is that there is no quieting the doubt in Mary Kay because every achievement is met with another challenge and laurels you may have earned are soon whisked away.

There is no level in Multi-level that does not spit you out upon achieving it, in another place of comparison. You never “arrive” and you have been convinced by this method that you never should. Your life should be constant striving, because a “morsel” never fills. Each new level plagues the achiever with new dissatisfaction. You are a Senior Director? When will you be a Future Executive Senior? (Is there more a silly title imaginable?) You are a Cadillac Director? When will you be a trip winner? On and on, even to National. Are you an Inner Circle National? Or just a wannabee? So they race on, chasing morsels and crumbs thrown from the Tippy Top NSD or Director’s table.

The message is clear. You never measure up. Striving = significance. Oh if that were true. You were meant for so much more.

Your significance has nothing to do with a suit you wear, a pin you put on, a special seat you sit upon or which dining room you qualify for. If you were chasing any of that to once and for all, quiet that voice inside your head which says you are not where you need to be, release it. It is a carefully crafted manipulation to hook your wounded soul and extract your money, resources, time and talent. It is the M.O. of the multi-levels, all portrayed to be such motivational harmless fun.

Excellence in what you do is a reward that is real. It isn’t made of fake gold tone or plastic gemstones. It isn’t hype. It is quiet reassurance. It isn’t noisy, with tears and fanfare and crescendos. Learn to recognize the real thing, which is that your significance is in your very life, the fact that you think and breathe. The fact that you are. It is your honesty toward living that gives you all the security you need.

Pursuit of excellence will naturally get you where you want to go, without need of comparing yourself to others, captivated by envy and most certainly without stepping on and over others as you manipulate them into financial destruction.

Never again, give ground or attention to any voice that seeks to disquiet you by concentrating on your supposed “lack”. Recognize the manipulation -the bait- to make you feel “less than” others and dismiss it. And most importantly, never settle for morsels when your creator has prepared for you, a feast.

Mary Kaybots used to always say “raise your deserve level”. I think I now can agree with that whole heartedly. The best lies always have a bit of truth to them. You definitely need to raise your deserve level. Raise it so high, that Mary Kay and all the self serving MLM con games can never again stretch high enough to reach you. You were meant for so much more.

5 COMMENTS

  1. Bravo Raisinberry! To bolster what you have written, consider that some of the most satisfying accomplishments involve no material reward at all. Volunteering to help the needy is one example. Pouring into raising children well is another. Excelling at home-making in general brings its own non-material rewards.

    Not all women are in a position financially to devote most of their productive time to such activities. But plenty of women find great satisfaction in these things. I believe even working a part-time time job outside the home can provide enough cushion to allow a balance between financial contribution and the type of activity that brings rich, non-material rewards to the family.

    MLM inherently works against all of this. Sadly, MLM takes from the family finances and family time, especially in the beginning, with none of the soul-filling rewards I mention above. Time with family is actually reduced, amd time for volunteering becomes harder and harder to justify.

    If you must work, pick a job that can be done while the rest of the world is working, and when your kids are in school. Avoid working evenings and weekends if at all possible. And try to volunteer even when finances are tight.

    My wife and I occasionally volunteer with our homeless outreach at our church. Part of this involves sharing a meal and then interviewing our homeless guests to see how they are getting along (we have notes from previous visits to prime the discussion). My wife calls this “heart surgery”…for us the volunteers!

    We come away changed, challenged with what more we could be doing for the needy, a greater respect for these folks, and with a greater appreciation for our own blessings. It is a humbling experience, keeping us grounded.

    I guess this message is more for the SAHM, but this demographic seems to be the prime target of most MLMs. I expect that women with full time careers are less vulnerable to the appeal of MLM (unless their jobs are unsatisfying). My wife has an advanced degree, but moved back to working part-time while we we had kids at home. We are blessed that she did not have to work full time while we were raising our four kids. We still had to make many sacrifices to make this all work, and we would not change a thing!

    Rasinberry, your message is spot on. Seek fulfillment in your unique identity and what you can bring to the world. Don’t underestimate your value to your family, your home and your community. And don’t look to MLM for life satisfaction…it simply cannot fill this void!

  2. “Each new level plagues the achiever with new dissatisfaction. You are a Senior Director? When will you be…”

    This is what woke me up one day, and I was out. Never enough. It’s so unhealthy. So debilitating. I had a beautiful life at home yet this business was never ending and I couldn’t feel success anywhere.

    “And most importantly, never settle for morsels when your creator has prepared for you, a feast.” Thank you, Raisinberry.

  3. Well said!

    The exclusivity of MK is worse than “Mean Girls” cliques.

    You’re not a star consultant? Than you have to eat your lunch over there.

    How about your name tag ribbons…. you only have ONE?? Tsk tsk. Look at MY name tag! I have a dozen!

    The sister Bertha Better Than You attitude is detrimental to the mental health of anyone trying to live for this MK dream.

  4. She’s right, you know.

    There were times in my life when I’d have fallen for the MK line of bullshit, hard. I’m the youngest of 6, and 7 years younger than the next youngest. That meant that when I was a kid they were in high school/college and busy living their own lives. In plain English they didn’t have much use for me. My father died when I was almost 6. This meant my upbringing was closer to that of an only child and brought up by a single parent. To my mother, I was both a burden and her last great hope to have the perfect daughter (Spoiler alert: I wasn’t). To that end, she was manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive, and her love and approval were contingent on me doing what she wanted. She was religious and religion was just another tool of manipulation. She’d go from smothering, cloying adoration to fire-shitting rage in a femtosecond without provocation.

    I’m not telling you this to throw myself a pity party; these were the facts of the situation, which after a lot of time and therapy I am at peace with. I’m telling you this to reinforce Raisinberry’s point that you get used to being told you’re less than and just accept it as one of the facts of life. She’s also dead on that any little crumb of approbation is like a Milk Bone to a starving dog. The fatuous compliments and fake sisterhood of MK would have been, like, winning the emotional lottery.

    As a child, I’d suction myself like a lamprey to any adult who was even slightly nice to me. Who they were exactly didn’t matter as long as they were kind. Grade and middle school were hell, because academic perfection was one of the things demanded. I was considered a brainy kid so I put on a great show of intellectual superiority, using big words, reading books that were way too mature for me, because I couldn’t be like the mundanes. Obviously, this would impress my teachers and make them like me. The other kids would be impressed with my big branes. I only liked Literature and Classical Music and told them so. No points for guessing how that all played out. But I’d have fit right in with the endless jockeying for meaningless titles that runs rampant in MLM, right?

    High school and college were a little better, because the 90s were when geeks started to become cool, so even though I was an ungirly nerd who liked comics and video games and was the despair of Mommy Dearest my peers accepted me more. I had a close group of toxic friends that I loved dearly and stuck around with for way too long, and even after things went bad I was afraid to lose the only people who’d ever accepted me for myself (ie the MK “sisterhood” who snip and snipe and tear each other down when they’re not tearfully hugging on stage).

    When things inevitably went to hell I had to pretend I was fine because all I ever got from Mommy Dearest was a Brainy Smurfian “I never liked those people and I tried to tell you but OH NO you knew better and you wouldn’t listen” only I never got to yeet her out of the village into the next county.

    In time, I graduated from college with a useless degree and no prospects, which was depressing enough without Mommy Dearest, starting from the day after my graduation, harranguing me about finding a job by letting me know that mooching layabouts like me were not going to be tolerated.

    WARNING! DANGER, POPINKI ROBINSON!!!

    Bereft of the friends I’d made in college. No idea how to write a proper resume. No driver’s license. Beaten down emotionally by two decades of being declared less than. A timid, naive little mouse utterly lacking in backbone, emotionally bottled up because expressing emotions around Mommy Dearest… always went poorly. If along had come a confident, friendly woman, ladylike enough to please my mother, well dressed, promising a lucrative career? Especially a somewhat older woman who flattered and complimented me, and took me to a place where others would shower me with compliments and give me small meaningless prizes? The promise of promotions and free cars? That love bombing and those prizes would have meant more than the gates of heaven opening up and all the treasures of Fort Knox being poured into my hands.

    I’d have fallen hard. I’d have scraped together the money for the starter kit, gone into debt for inventory, nagged every female in my extended family, bugged strangers even though I was terrified of them, worn the pantyhose, hidden the credit cards bills, and kept all my fears and misgivings to myself. My upline would have made serious bank off me. Besides, I was already used to being told I wasn’t good enough and approval for my actions being a set of constantly moving invisible goalposts. I’d have gotten Mommy Dearest off my back for a while.

    I’d have failed HARD, because 99.6% of people in MK do. And those friends would have dropped me like a hot rock once they saw me struggling. And in addition to being a lazy mooch, I’d have been branded a failure.

    And I don’t know what would have become of me.

    When Mommy Dearest finally died in 2018 and a year or so later I was able to see the pattern of abuse for what it was (and it literally lasted until her dying day), it seriously broke my brain. My entire view of reality had been warped for so long that I didn’t know how to cope. Luckily, I was able to find a therapist and some other kind people who helped me recalibrate my worldview, much as the people here at PT do for those who have that same sort of world-shattering revelation.

    Now, at 49, I’m happily weird, still ungirly, still nerdy, imperfect and prone to dumb blonde moments but they make funny stories for my coworkers and friends instead of being treated as moral failings. I have a job I’m not crazy about (another Mommy Dearest related story, but irrelevant here) but I have money in the bank and great PTO. YOung Popinki finally gets the understanding and appreciation she always needed and pined for.

    I’m posting this because, as I’ve gotten to know more about MLM and MK in particular, the parallels with abuse have gotten more and more HOLY CRAP!!! and I want to do everything I can to break the pattern of ambitious huns preying on wounded souls.

  5. I agree with Raisinberry regarding Mary Kay’s target demographic, but I would like to add something I feel is important:

    It’s a misconception, especially in North America, that MLM targets mostly women. Worldwide, there are as many men involved in MLM, if not more.

    MLM is a system of endless-chain recruiting, period. It is not a system that uses only girly stuff and SAHMs to perpetrate the fraud.

    I write the above in defense of women. As in, we are not the only ones stupid enough, vulnerable enough, giving enough, sweet enough, etc., to fall for the scam. The MLM companies simply tailor their spiel to lure specific people in. Women want to please, and men want to provide; both of these tactics work for MLM.

    If some readers here are only familiar with Mary Kay types of MLM, I would like to suggest you also read BehindMLM. There’s another world of MLM scams that you are likely not familiar with. Again, MLM isn’t about the product itself; it’s endless-chain recruiting and then attaching a product, any product or service.

    Suffice to say, I feel Reddit has inadvertently given the impression that only women, “Huns”, and especially SAHMs, are ignorant enough to fall for MLM.😡 SAHMs are indeed targeted, but so are men “with entrepreneurial thinking”. 🙄

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