Written by The Scribbler

Welcome back! I promised you the next two points of Pam Shaw’s Seminar tips, and by golly, here they are for you to enjoy!

3. “Pack runner’s band aids (second skin) and keep other essentials stored in your Travel Bag. Sewing kit, goo gone, jewelry cleaner, nail color and top cote, file, scissors, Always include eye-mask, calming solution, visine, X-Em. Night cream, foot treatment cream, febreeze, jewelry cleaner in your travel bags.”

Oh for crying out loud. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen ¾ of these things on TSA’s do-not-pack list, somewhere in between the blasting caps and the meat cleavers. Do you realize the horror that would occur if a plane carrying a load of consultants to Dallas pulled its best lawn-dart impression? The resulting fireball would have enough raw materials to shine for months.

Dovetailing on the aforementioned carnage, we’ll check out the last point. Hang on, Sloopy, this one’s a doozy!

4. “DRESS TO FLY. Why?

A. Mary Kay herself asked you to.

B. You are the Mary Kay IMAGE to everyone in the airport and hotel as they FIRST come in contact with you.

C. You’ll feel FIRST CLASS. (Note: “And by “first class” Pam means you’ll feel as if you’ve just given Thomas the Tank Engine a piggyback ride from the Dallas Metro all the way to say, Abilene.”)

First off, can we stop with the guilt courtesy of the dearly departed, already? You may be sitting there reading this and going, “Oh GOD, you are SO insensitive – God bless Mary Kay’s humble soul – such disrespect! Such GALL; now get off of my lawn!”

Ladies, hear my heart, okay? When someone dies, no amount of homage, celebration, or ritual is going to bring them back unless you’re a Voodoo sorceress and you’ve got a Masters in Undead Theory. People spend so much time entrenched in the affairs of the dead – heck, even Christ said, “Let the dead bury the dead.” I’m not trying to minimize loss of a loved one, nor am I saying that one cannot reflect on the things an individual did or said. What I AM saying is for an individual to so heavily engage in what is idol worship in its purest form is an very unhealthy thing for both mind and soul.

Mary Kay Ash is not peering at you from some faraway place, shaking her head and muttering, “Look at Red Jacket Anderson over there. She flew to Dallas in sweats and sneakers. Nope. No eternal salvation for you, honey; but I’ll be merciful. If you sell $1,000 a week for the rest of your life, you’ll then you’ll be entered into a drawing to receive eternal life after you die, so you better get cracking, sweet cheeks. That roll-up bag isn’t going to sell itself.” Mary Kay Corporate simply loves to use the ol’ “Mary Kay is God’s Special Envoy” concept as a manipulation tool, so don’t you fall for it, girlfriend.

Let’s talk about the whole “dress to fly” concept. For Mary Kay women, this typically means wearing full business gear from top to toe: blouse, suit jacket, skirt, pumps; fully done makeup and hair.

I’d rather wear sweats and sneakers and carry my business attire with me in a carry-on. “But what will people think?” you may ask. “I’d be projecting an unprofessional image if I did that!”

In all my treks through airports (I’m a 10-year Air Force vet), I have never had an urge to curtsy and offer gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to a woman in a business suit because she “looked sharp.” On the flip side, I have never looked at a woman in sweats and thought, “What an unprofessional slob SHE is.” Quite frankly, nobody gives a flying leap regarding how you look in an airport environment. How you smell, maybe, especially if you’re going to be sitting next to me on the plane. But certainly not how you look.

In the eyes of the general public, “dressing to fly” means dressing comfortably. Even in the Air Force we were never required to wear a Class A uniform (full dress blues) while flying unless it was either on a non-commercial flight or a flight to one’s next duty station. After 9/11, however, I’m betting that rule is all but extinct.

Unlike uniforms easily recognizable to the general public, such as military battle-dress uniforms, most of the population has no clue what Mary Kay attire stands for, be it a certain color scarf or the trim on a director suit. Other than your name tag, you are nothing more than a business woman in a suit, period. I have never looked at a fully-garbed Mary Kay woman in an airport and gone, “Wow, how sharp – I need a Starter Kit pronto!” My thoughts were more along the lines of most air travelers:

“Sonofabiscuit, they changed the gate from A4 to Z13 on me AGAIN – Good Lord, high heels in O’Hare? Is that woman insane? Her feet are going to be the size of toilet lids by the end of the day! Crud – I just missed the shuttle by 2 seconds. And speaking of toilet lids, I’m starving; I better go get me a lukewarm soft pretzel before I pee my pants. Hey, look – another homeless guy – ‘sup dawg?”

There you have it, friends. Helpful hints and handy tips from your thoughtful uplines.

Here’s MY tip for you. Make THIS the year that you use the money you were going to spend on Seminar on a vacation with your family. Mary Kay doesn’t need any more of your money, time, or self-sacrifice. Your family does.